It's colossally rare for me to show any form of excitement. Outward displays tend not to surpass a shrug and a wry smile... I can sometimes stretch to a widening of the eyes. There is CERTAINLY no jumping up and down and clapping; there is CATEGORICALLY no squealing or squeeing or whatever you want to call it.
Where am I going with this? Good fucking question. I wish I knew when I start writing where these things will end up. If that were the case, you might not have to have endured that ridiculous and misguided 'how can I keep from singing' diatribe. Oh well, you live and learn.
Where I'm really going will be a fascinating journey full of the twists and turns of facial hair. I'm inviting you along. And you, you are going to LOVE IT. It's going to make you jump and down, clap AND squeal.
So! To the story! Which is totally worth you investing your time in reading.
You know sometimes in life you just get coincidental thematics that suddenly appear out of nowhere? Like say for example you take up knitting as a hobby (I've got no clue where the inspiration for this metaphor came from) and all of a sudden you are more susceptible to noticing knitted items or pattern formation or wool types or something... ooh, probably a more tangible explanation would be a bit like if you buy a new car, and you never noticed that type of car on the road before, but now you're driving one they're everywhere. You dig?
Well, that's been happening a lot recently. But with moustaches.
Seriously. You've got no idea. Lip ticklers hadn't crossed your radar in years and all of a sudden you're fucking tripping over the things.
Not sure I can recall the genesis of this particular theme, but in all honesty it was probably started by Magnum PI. Tom Selleck is stache-tastic after all:
Second reckoning, helpfully remembered by Craig, would be Freddie*:
*Personal confession here: 98% sure it wasn't Fred's 'tache - his appearance here is just a concession for Hickson. Though he was a constant source of inspiration to me as a kid, I've gotta say I was more obsessed with his teeth. If a bloke could get away with teeth like that in 'show business' as we called it then (not 'the world of celebrity' as we call it now) then there was hope for me and my snaggletoothed overbite. What a comfort.
Anyway once something like that is in your subconscious - like a hairy tentacled beast - it'll never let you go. Those thatches just come crawling out of the woodwork. Or rather... down from the brow?
You get entangled into email exchanges where you have to one-up the elaborateness of the last offering. Almost like top trumps for mouth merkins.
See, now look at this one.
Initially - very fucking impressive indeed. The girth is substantial, the symmetry of those curls close to perfection. Now look again. Look more closely. This dude is playing you. He's playing you with a moustache/beard extension combo. This fakery is the comb-over of the moustache world.
Now I'm going to introduce you to the genuine (and please, for my sake, when you're reading that out loud can you pronounce it as gen-u-wine? thanks, really) article.
That shit is the biddness. That has a level of composition unknown in the modern world.
There's even a day for them:
The more it appears, the more I think about. The more I think about it, the more it appears. It's like ever decreasing circles of moustache intensity. It becomes clear to me. In some ways my life is poorer for not having experienced the moustache-effect.
This must be resolved! TO THE INTERNET!!!!
I'm not sure I'm really conveying to you the full annoyance this was causing me. It wasn't an obsession. I wasn't losing any sleep over it. I am losing sleep, but not over this. It was just something niggling away. Sat on my shoulder with the rest of the chips going, 'No moustache for you! Ha ha HA! No moustache for you'. I'm imagining this as a little imp or something springing around and taunting me. Maybe you are picturing a devil better? Go with whatever works best for you.
So, a little while ago I was exploring this thing called the internet (as is my want) and I come across these:
You can get them from here if you're so inclined.
I think they would make an excellent gift... for me. They got me excited (see the original intro above, if you've forgotten where we're going with this), they made my eyes go wide. They put a smile on my face (but not in a Coldplay way). I loved the idea of them. But in the words of the great Roy Walker of Catchphrase fame: 'Ock, it's good, but it's not the one'.
On I went with my futile search. Actually - full disclosure - there was no searching involved in this. These are just things you come across on facebook or in blogs or whatever - they are a continuation of the coincidental thematic. They are just increasingly annoying because now you want something moustache related and it never appears.
I was on one of those lifestyle shopping sites - shopping for a lifestyle - and I saw the perfect thing. I cannot adequately explain to you the joy that I was overcome with. Epic amounts of the joy, that's what I was overcome with. And all for the price of $2.61 plus free postage...
Let me explain to you in photographs.
This shit's come all the way from Hong Kong. These have the largest carbon footprint of any moustache you have ever encountered before. But I recycle fanatically, and I take my Stinson Beach Market bag to Sainsbury's, and I run a diesel, so my karma remains unaffected:
Par avion, motherfuckers:
You might have noticed they sellotaped that envelope so securely that fucking Houdini would struggle to get into it. I liked that though, the dear Chinese were treating my special goods with the respect they deserved. So I carefully cut open the edge:
By this stage, I was so hyper I couldn't even hold the camera steady to take a focused picture. This picture is like my mind, blurred with the excitement of unknown possibilities!!
Check it out, kids: MOUSTACHE PARTY (self adhesive)
There was jumping up and down (though without much 'air') and there was clapping. Alas the squealing rule remains unbroken. There will be moustaches and we will party until the adhesive is no more!! There will be a moustache party!
And the Scoundrel looks particularly twirlable:
See? Moustaches. All types of fun YOU never knew about before.
BTW: Dealextreme for all your stick on moustache needs.
Edited much much later to add the following video, because apparently this has morphed itself into my moustache compendium